Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

I paid too many bills to be paying attention to things that don’t pay my bills.

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A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

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When I said I was a monster in the bed, I was talking about eating cookies while watching TV )
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My friend said, "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
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TARIFFS BAD, BOOBS GOOD. - Elon Musk

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I can't wait to retire so l can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

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Exercise makes you look better naked.
So does tequila.
Your choice.
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#today Why did the frog take the bus to work? Their car got toad! #JokeOfTheDay

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong… and probably drunk.

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I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

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My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn't have chocolate and look at what happened to them..

Why did Marine Le Pen bring a ladder to the debate?
Because she’s ready to take France to the next level—without tripping over the EU’s red tape!

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Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model.

They used me as the "before" picture.

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No matter how much you push the envelope - it’ll still be stationery