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So I have gambled and got on a train that WASN'T on the boards but says on the front it's going to Kiel.
Convo between me and the passengers already on it:
"Sorry, but is this train going to Kiel?"
"Maybe. Hopefully. Nobody knows."
German rail travel is... Interesting.
THE TRAIN IS NOT GOING TO KIEL.
Everyone groans.
Apparently this is a FLENSBURG train.
NO WAIT IT MAY BE A KIEL TRAIN
The Flensburg faction are groaning.
Literally NOBODY on this train knows where it is going.
All the internal signage keeps flipping between Kiel and Flensburg.
Everyone is hoping it makes up it's fucking mind before Neumünster.
Okay, the DRIVER says to ignore everyone saying this is going to Flensburg. He thinks he's going to Kiel.
The Flensburgers groan! Kielstans cheer.
We're at Neumünster. Flensburgers are leaving.
I'm incredibly grateful to the two young ladies opposite who are kindly translating this ongoing drama to me.
They're pro-Kiel
Feeling hopeful now.
Also glad I booked the 6pm Kiel - Gothenburg ferry for TOMORROW not tight. Otherwise this would be a less zen travel experience.
A reminder that this is ALREADY my second attempt to reach Kiel today.
The first having ended when I made the rookie mistake of trusting the platform signage and almost ended up in a different country before tracking back.
I started out at 12:30 today in Hamburg.
Suitably checked in to the hotel now. Receptionist recommended Sultan's for grilled meat.
Then I just need to find beer somewhere, near my hotel by the station.
Definitely need a pint after that journey.
Kiel though. Made it 
Special final thanks to the train guard on my first wrong train, who worked out possible options. He then told me to take a photo then (kindly) kicked me off the train at Itzehoe with a frantic whisper of:
"Do not trust ze signs! Only your eyes!"
As if he was warning me about Dracula's castle
@garius
I have been keeping my German mate up to date with your odyssey.
He is…unsurprised.
@garius Reminds me of the time I got on the wrong train in Zürich. Was used to the local commuter train and didn't realize I had jumped on the four-hour train to Geneva.
Correct platform. Just five minutes early. In the States, you see a train sitting on a platform and even if it's 20-minutes early, it's probably the right train.
Conductor let me jump off at Bern and didn't fine me. but he said, "In Switzerland, we have a perfect system. We have signs, announcements, clocks. The only problem? Americans."
And I couldn't even be mad, because he was right.
@garius Great start to A British Werewolf in Berlin.
@garius Oh, Itzehoe is where my grandmother, Eveline Schöning, was born - in 1888!
@garius I feel short story potential in Mimic offspring masquerading as signs to lure unsuspecting travelers towards their parent
@garius if you have time, take it to walk to Kiels „Schloss“, and be amazed, when you find and recognize it.