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Chloe Kelly fan account

Go and vote. Yes, it might not make much material difference, and Starmer's Labour might be utterly shit, but watching the Tory party implode like a submarine full of billionaires tonight is going to be very funny

Lots of Tories, tomorrow:

"See, the hardest thing for me was leaving the life. We ran everything. We were constantly on Question Time. We got on all the Sunday morning shows. People were forced to take our crank opinions seriously. We all had newspaper columns. Everyone had to pretend we weren't as thick as pigshit.

"And now it’s all over. And that’s the hardest part. Today, everything is different. I’m an average nobody. I get to live the rest of my life like a schnook."

Is Jeremy Vine wearing a velour suit?

Fucking hell Wes Streeting is awful

The Tories are having the shit kicked out of them, a generational pummeling, and I am feeling less inspired and hopeful than I ever have. Incredibly bleak all around

First mention of "woke" from fucking Leadsom there

Peter Mandelson, an unspeakably awful man

The Welsh Tory. What a choice to make

Big fan of Clive Myrie refusing to take any of this seriously

"I need the most uninspiring political message you have"
*Rachel Reeves appears on the TV*
"No, that's too uninspiring"

Tiny policeman at wherever this is

Enjoying him giving this speech alongside Elmo and the lad in the hat. A deeply unserious country

Nobody is required to take Fabricant seriously any longer

Ian Duncan Smith remains the c*nt's c*nt

OK, we made it to Mordaunt, but it's getting light outside and it's time to crash

@pikesley 1997 was cathartic. I think the best that can be said for this is that it'll feel like the first few minutes after one stops hitting oneself in the head with a claw hammer

@pikesley thank you for "implode like a submarine full of billionaires", which I will absolutely steal and use often.

@CatherineFlick @pikesley He knows his brief, but he also knows how to jam his foot in his mouth

@jezhiggins @pikesley I'm getting to the point where I'm older than these politicians and it's quite weird

@pikesley imagine being handed an open platform to make a victory speech and instead using it to slag off JC. Such a danger.

@pikesley He looks like he's made out of the same synthetic material as Zuckerberg.

@pikesley FPTP is concealing some unpleasant patterns

@pikesley
These reform numbers, ffs

@pikesley the Reform numbers and lack of total Tory wipeout are a real downer

@pikesley "here are my snacks under my desk."

@pikesley The ad in the hat is "Nick the flying Brick", apparently.

@pikesley He's going to bring in more tourists, presumably by setting up a whelk stall on the pier.

@pikesley I played a festival there once for refugees. I remember nothing about the place except the hall in which we played

@pikesley Was anyone taking him seriously in the first place?

@pikesley Keir should get to 326 before long, and I think you might regret not staying up for Rees-Mogg. #ge2024 #ukpol #ukpolitics